Mothers in Law Part II - Potato's Mother in Law

Now, Potato's Mother in Law, is of course the Mother Rice. Rice, being Asian, has your typical Asian mother/daughter discourse - Nothing the daughter does is ever good enough, and Potato knows this. Potato in fact, in his own Potato-y way, pokes fun at Rice using her relationship with Mother Rice.

For example, a while ago, Potato and Rice had dinner with Rice's family, including parents and Rice's brother and significant other. This is, of course, the first time Brother Rice's SO has come to a Rice family outing, but alas, that is another story. So, we all decide to meet at a restaurant and Potato and Rice arrive a solid fifteen minutes early in order to drink as many gin based drinks as is possible in fifteen minutes. The rest of the family arrives and we are seated at a round table for eight. Rice and Brother Rice sit, ironically, farthest away their parents, using Potato and Brother Rice's partner as buffers between their parents. Potato ends up sitting next to Mother Rice.

During the meal, Mother Rice strikes up conversation with Potato.

Mother Rice : "How are you Potato?"

Potato : "I'm doing just great."

Mother Rice : "I want to make sure Rice is cooking for you."

Potato : "Oh there's nothing to worry about there. Rice
cooks about three times a week."

Potato : (snickering at Rice)

Rice : "Gee mom, thanks."

Mother Rice : "It's very important that you cook for Potato. You have to take care of him."

Rice : "Yes, mother"

Potato : (controlled outburst of laughter)

Ever since this moment, Potato never misses an opportunity to play the "Mother Rice" card.

Rice : "What do you feel like having for dinner?"

Potato : "I dunno...what are you cooking?"

Rice : "Well, I was thinking of maybe getting some Chinese take-out"

Potato : "Take out?? What would your mother think if she heard this?"

Rice : (feels 4000 years of guilt) "Fine fine...I'll cook something..."

Potato : (snickering) "Chinese take-out is fine"

Mothers in Law Part I - Rice's Mother in Law

Rice has a Mother in Law. Rice is, of course, ever so grateful to her Mother in Law, as there would be no Potato without a Mother Potato. Potato of course, never misses an opportunity to poke fun at Rice, using Mother Potato as the delivery vehicle.

Perhaps you have all seen on television the infomercial about the pot whose lid has a built in strainer. The infomercial is pretty typical ; scenes of the harried housewife struggling to strain her spaghetti into a colander, spilling her family's entire dinner into the sink, rendering it inedible. Then, amazingly, she gets the strainer pot, and lo and behold! She's a gourmet chef! Perfectly cooked pasta, garnished even better than Emeril himself. The infomercial goes on to show the various sizes of pots, with perfectly cooked meals and desserts in the background. Really now, if you can't even pour a pot of spaghetti into a colander without spilling it, how does getting a pot with a strainer lid make you a master baker as found in a patisserie?

So anyway, Rice always bags on infomercials like this, as she well knows it's quite the pain in the butt to cook anything, let alone a gourmet meal, plus dessert.

Potato : "What are we having for dinner?"

Rice : "I dunno, leftovers I suppose."

Potato : "Leftovers? Aww...."

Rice : "Gee, if I had a strainer pot, I could cook you a proper meal..."

Potato : "Yeah, and bake me a cake too!"

Much later, Potato is visiting his folks. Mother Potato is cooking spaghetti and meatballs. Potato asks if he can help, and Mother Potato asks him to drain the pasta. And if out of sheer coincidence, the pasta is boiling away, in yes, you guess it, a strainer pot. Potato can't help but laugh heartily. Mother Potato asks Potato what is so funny and Potato has to explain :

"Hee hee, Rice and I always see these on TV. Rice says it makes you into a gourmet chef if you have one."

Mother Potato : "Well, I like it, it's convenient"

Weeks later, Rice and Potato are at Potato's folks' house for dinner.

Mother Potato : "Hi Rice!"

Rice : "Hi Mother Potato!"

Mother Potato : "Hey Rice! Did you see my new pot?"

Rice (always fascinated by modern cookware) : "New? Cool! Where?"

Mother Potato : "It's on the stove!"

And, wouldn't you know it...it's a strainer pot.

Rice : "Ah, I've seen these on TV...."

Mother Potato : "Potato says you don't really care for them..."

Rice (now tasting her foot, looking over at a obviously amused Potato) : "Well, if it works for you..."

Potato : (Snickering)

Potato and Rice get Pulled Over

Potato and Rice like to ride motorcycles. Both have been riding for quite a number of years now. Many years ago, early in Potato's riding career, he had a "small beginner's" bike. Rice had just bought a new bike herself, a "rice rocket" of course. Anyway, we both believe in safety first, this means riding pants, jackets, gloves, over the ankle boots and full face helmets. We also are both graduates of a motorcycle safety school. In fact, at the time, Rice was an instructor at one of the local safety schools. Perhaps you, the gentle reader has seen motorcyclists out there who do not take all the safety precautions that Potato and Rice observe. These people are known in the motorcycle community as "squids".

One day while riding in the local area, Potato and Rice saw many of squids out, two in fact were doing donuts on the road, and seemed to be waiting for others. Potato and Rice assume that the ones they were waiting for were the ones that a local PD had already pulled over.

Anyway, on the way home, Potato and Rice were riding down a main artery of the city and and made a right onto the major cross street near the Potato Patty. (that's Potato and Rice's house) Heading the opposite way was a local motorcycle officer who promptly made a left in front of Potato and Rice, and then a U-turn so that he was now facing the same direction as Potato and Rice. Rice knew right away as soon as the light turned green, Potato and Rice would be pulled over. Sure enough, the officer motioned for Potato and Rice to pull into a nearby office building's parking lot.

The officer asked Potato and Rice if they were riding with others, and both said no. The officer explained that there was a group of four or fiver riders doing stoppies and wheelies on the side streets nearby. Apparently, two had been caught, and other officers were looking for the others.

By now, another officer had arrived confirming the description of the two that got away :
"Riding blue sportbikes... Red jacket, multi color helmets" Potato and Rice looked at each other, and damn, they sure matched the description dead on. The First officer asked for ID, which Potato and Rice gave and was impressed that both Potato and Rice had "Mary One" license endorsements. By now, the Second officer had left, and another one showed up about 5 minutes later. During this time, the First officer was still trying to ascertain if Potato and Rice were the ones that the were looking for. He asked again, if we were doing wheelies and stoppies. Potato chuckled, and stated "I'm a 200 pound guy on a little 500cc bike, I don't think it's possible. In fact, if I could, I should get a medal...not a ticket." Rice then stated "I can't do those...I'm an Instructor for the MSF"

By now, the First officer was pretty sure that Potato and Ricer were not the ones the police were looking for. A Third officer showed up, since he was the one who gave the descriptions of the squids who got away. He didn't think Potato and Ricer were the right ones - and this was yet later confirmed by a fourth cop who had pulled two of the four missing squids over. The fourth cop asked (over the radio, to the Third officer) how old Potato and Rice appeared to be. The Third officer laughed and said (off radio, to Potato and Rice) "I don't want to sound insulting o you folks, but (gets back on the radio) "Oh yeah, they're OLD"...male, 30's, female 30's" The First officer then shook our hands and thanked Potato and Ricer for their cooperation. Great, so we're now officially old people; a Potato with sprouts coming from the eyes and dried up Rice.

Nonethless Potato and Rice were quite impressed by the level of courtesy extended by the officers that day. They were professional and very pleasant. To this day, whenever Potato and Rice pass the area where they got pulled over, they get a good laugh out of it. The typical conversation goes :

"That's where you got us pulled over!"

"No, that's where YOU got us pulled over!"

etc.

Rice goes to the grocery store

Where Potato and Rice dwell, there was an old, empty grocery store. It had been empty for years. Recently, however, it was taken over by a well known Asian grocery chain. Rice could not hardly contain herself when she found out that a store for her people was opening up in the neighborhood. So called "Asian" items in a regular grocery store just aren't the same as the real thing. (sorry LaChoy and Chun King)
Real Asian items have to mellow on the shelves of a store that smells like fresh fish. It's supposed to be that way. Really.

Anyway, Rice had to wait about a month to go to the store. Why? Pretty much every Asian citizen within a 50 mile radius went to the store as soon as it opened. All the parking spots were taken. As sad as it is for Rice to admit, her people are well, automobileoperating challenged. People were waiting ten minutes, blocking the thoroughfare, just to get a spot 10 feet closer to the entrance. Not only that, some people couldn't back their Toyota Camrys out of a spot without doing a forty point turn. People were starting to park across the street and walking to the store. And, if some of those people walked across a busy street like they drove, it was a good thing they parked across the street.

Finally, the day had arrived. Rice was able to go to the store. Instantly, the sound of Chinese (Mandarin and Cantonese mostly) filled the air. Rice noticed the rows of cash registers. All the checkout girls and their customers were conversing with amazing speed. Then, was that right? Rice hears English. She quickly scans the area, and 'lo and behold, at the very end of the checkout row was an older Caucasian woman. Perhaps she worked at the store before it was taken over. Interesting, Rice thinks. Then she notices the smell of daikon radish and Napa cabbage in the produce area. The endless variations of tofu. The bizarre snack aisle, including dried squid and cuttlefish and Rice's favorite : preserved plums. (don't mention preserved plums around Potato...you were warned) The store even had a hot and cold deli section. No visit to a Asian grocery store is complete without saying "hi" to all the poor hanging, recently Peking'ed, ducks. And of course, the fresh seafood section. Ah, the large tanks of fish, lobsters and crabs. Don't forget the other fish, sitting on ice right there in front - not behind glass. Pick the one you want, have it wrapped up in paper, and you're on your way!

So, Rice picks up the items she was looking for : cooking wine and some stir fry sauces, a couple of deli items (pork buns and plain steamed buns) and (shhh! Don't tell Potato!) a bag of preserved plums. While wandering around the store, Rice notices that there are a couple of Potato's people in the store, apparently only buying things that came in clear packages, or had labels in English. Rice pays for her groceries and heads out. Just upon exiting, she glances back at the lone Caucasian checker. The only people in her line were indeed the only Caucasians shopping in the store. Coincidence?

Potato and Rice get Simpsonized

After days of resisting, Potato and Rice have succumbed to the the power of advertising and the need to be trendy.

We Simpsonized ourselves in front of Moe's Tavern. If you haven't done it yet, it's a pretty neat site. Thought the only caveat we have is that you have to wait like 10 minutes for the process to run, and that's even if you can get on the site.

Potato and Rice Dogsit

Potato's parents have a nice 11 year old dog, who's half-chocolate Lab and half-Shar Pei. He looks like a lab, but has some loose skin around the jowls and a spotted tongue. He's a very friendly and playful dog.

When Potato and Rice visit Potato's parents, the dog knows who give him the most attention upon visiting, Rice. Rice loves the dog, as she had never owned a dog in the past. The dog spends most of the time on his back, enjoying all the tummy rubs Rice gives him.

One time visiting, the dog had a small scratch on his nose and some minor damage to his tail. Potato's parents were on a four day trip to the East Coast, and placed the dog in a kennel.
Potato and Rice offered to dog sit next time they were going to be out of town.

So, recently, Potato's parents went away on a 10 day trip to the Motherland of the Potato, Ireland. Potato and Rice picked up the dog and wished Potato's parents a good trip.

Now, having a dog in the house is something new. Rice owns two cats, so the cats needed to be placed in their own room. The cats immediately knew something was up as there was a large brown sniffing machine outside their door. They sought higher ground and pretty much stayed there for 10 days.

Rice had ordered some items online and was expecting delivery. It is customary for our letter carrier to knock on the door when packages were left on the doorstep. Rice and the dog were hanging out one afternoon and there was a knock at the door. Rice thought "Ah, my packages" and went to open the door to retrieve them. The dog followed Rice to the door, as he does around the house. When she opened the door, the dog immediately started barking. There were no packages at the door, but two Mormons on their mission. Apparently, one fellow was scared of the dog, as he didn't say anything the whole time this conversation took place :

Dog : bark bark bark! (probably thinking "Hey! You're not Rice's packages!")

Mormon : Hello! I'm Elder so and so and this is Elder so and so.

Rice : Hello there!

Mormon : Well, we were walking through your neighborhood today ...

Dog : bark bark! Grrr! ("You're scaring away the deliveryman!")

Now Rice is non-religious, though knows the basics of pretty much all the world's religions. Potato's family is Catholic.

Rice : Ah, I see you're carrying a Book of Mormon, the revelations to Joseph Smith?

Mormon : I see you're familiar with it.

Dog : Grrr! bark bark! ("Didn't you hear me the first time?")

Rice : Well, not really, I know the basics.

Mormon : It's never to late to learn more about it, you know we could ...

At this point, Rice slightly loosens her grip on the dog's collar, causing him to jump slightly
and show off his teeth a little.

Dog : GRRRRR! bark! ("OK! I mean business!")

Rice : That would be interesting, but I don't think the dog would like it. He is a Catholic dog after all...

Mormon : Oh well, we should leave then.

Rice : Thanks for coming by.

Rice (to dog) : That's a good boy! (rubs dog's tummy)

Dog : (happy dog sounds)

Rice now has a greater appreciation of just how intelligent dogs are. Who would have known that dogs can tell the difference between deliverymen and not?

Potato's Birthday Dinner

One of the things that Rice had to learn about Potato's family is that birthdays are a pretty big deal. Well, a big deal from Rice's perspective. The entire Potato patch celebrates birthdays together. Usually, the family gathers for dinner out a restaurant, and then retire to Potato's parents house for cake and presents. And, yes, we all do sing "Happy Birthday".

Anyway, one of the popular choices for dinner (especially when it is Potato's birthday) is a local Japanese Teppanyaki place, you know, where they cook in front of you. The restaurant is pretty crowded, as they give the birthday boy or girl a free dinner. So, it's likely that if you go, you'll be sitting at a table with people celebrating a birthday. Luckily, the Potato patch takes up a whole table.

Indeed, on Potato's birthday, we venture out to the local Japanese Teppanyaki place. (as a side note, we have been going there for Potato's birthday as long as we've been together) We get our table, and our orders are taken. Having been exposed to many of Potato's kind before, Rice was not surprised when most of the Potato patch orders fried rice with their dinner. That is, all except for Potato's dad (Potato Sr.) and Potato himself. Rice would like to take credit for Potato not ordering fried rice, but she can't. It's a Potato thing.

Rice (to Potato Sr.) : I see you ordered plain white rice.

Potato Sr. : Yeah, I like it.

Rice : That's good to know...Four thousand years of culture prevents me from ordering fried rice.

So our cook comes out, introduces himself, goes over everyone's order. He starts his show, juggling his utensils, banging out some sort of rhythm with the salt shaker and spatula, etc. He did however, make a small volcano out of onion slices, filling it with alcohol and then setting it ablaze. It was pretty cool...really.

Eight bowls of rice as brought out, and the cook checks his list. He looks around the table and confirms each person who ordered fried rice and then proceeds to prepare the fried rice. A waitress comes over and delivers the three bowls of steamed rice to Potato, Potato Sr. and Rice.

As Rice and Potato are separating and smoothing out their chopsticks, Rice glances over at Potato Sr. He's not separating his chopsticks, nor is he reaching for a fork. Instead, he starts pouring soy sauce over his rice. At which point the following conversation takes place :

Potato Sr. (noticing Rice looking at him) : "Uh oh! I've been caught!"

Now, Rice has every right to be somewhat tweaked. This is the food of her people, being tainted with soy sauce. It's rice! It's supposed to be plain! But then again, Rice realizes, Potato Sr. is an elder, and therefore must be treated with utmost respect, and on top of that Potato Sr. has lived through a lot. He's had a couple of organ transplants, so whatever Potato Sr. wants, that's good enough for Rice.

Rice : "Oh that's ok, I've seen it before"

Potato Sr. : "You know, I just like soy sauce on rice"

So, the next year, we all go to the Japanese Teppanyaki place again for Potato's birthday. As we get our bowls of rice, Potato Sr. decides to be a little sneaky :

Potato's Mother to Potato Sr. : "What are you going there hon?"

Potato Sr. (trying to hide his rice bowl being a post) : "Nothing"

Rice, now looking over at Potato Sr.

Potato Sr. : "Uh...better look away Rice!"

Rice : "Why is that?" (Potato Sr. now reaching for soy sauce) "Oh!" (Rice cover eyes)

Potato Sr. : "All done!"

Is there any wonder where Potato gets his charm and consideration from?