Rice goes to the grocery store

Where Potato and Rice dwell, there was an old, empty grocery store. It had been empty for years. Recently, however, it was taken over by a well known Asian grocery chain. Rice could not hardly contain herself when she found out that a store for her people was opening up in the neighborhood. So called "Asian" items in a regular grocery store just aren't the same as the real thing. (sorry LaChoy and Chun King)
Real Asian items have to mellow on the shelves of a store that smells like fresh fish. It's supposed to be that way. Really.

Anyway, Rice had to wait about a month to go to the store. Why? Pretty much every Asian citizen within a 50 mile radius went to the store as soon as it opened. All the parking spots were taken. As sad as it is for Rice to admit, her people are well, automobileoperating challenged. People were waiting ten minutes, blocking the thoroughfare, just to get a spot 10 feet closer to the entrance. Not only that, some people couldn't back their Toyota Camrys out of a spot without doing a forty point turn. People were starting to park across the street and walking to the store. And, if some of those people walked across a busy street like they drove, it was a good thing they parked across the street.

Finally, the day had arrived. Rice was able to go to the store. Instantly, the sound of Chinese (Mandarin and Cantonese mostly) filled the air. Rice noticed the rows of cash registers. All the checkout girls and their customers were conversing with amazing speed. Then, was that right? Rice hears English. She quickly scans the area, and 'lo and behold, at the very end of the checkout row was an older Caucasian woman. Perhaps she worked at the store before it was taken over. Interesting, Rice thinks. Then she notices the smell of daikon radish and Napa cabbage in the produce area. The endless variations of tofu. The bizarre snack aisle, including dried squid and cuttlefish and Rice's favorite : preserved plums. (don't mention preserved plums around Potato...you were warned) The store even had a hot and cold deli section. No visit to a Asian grocery store is complete without saying "hi" to all the poor hanging, recently Peking'ed, ducks. And of course, the fresh seafood section. Ah, the large tanks of fish, lobsters and crabs. Don't forget the other fish, sitting on ice right there in front - not behind glass. Pick the one you want, have it wrapped up in paper, and you're on your way!

So, Rice picks up the items she was looking for : cooking wine and some stir fry sauces, a couple of deli items (pork buns and plain steamed buns) and (shhh! Don't tell Potato!) a bag of preserved plums. While wandering around the store, Rice notices that there are a couple of Potato's people in the store, apparently only buying things that came in clear packages, or had labels in English. Rice pays for her groceries and heads out. Just upon exiting, she glances back at the lone Caucasian checker. The only people in her line were indeed the only Caucasians shopping in the store. Coincidence?

Potato and Rice get Simpsonized

After days of resisting, Potato and Rice have succumbed to the the power of advertising and the need to be trendy.

We Simpsonized ourselves in front of Moe's Tavern. If you haven't done it yet, it's a pretty neat site. Thought the only caveat we have is that you have to wait like 10 minutes for the process to run, and that's even if you can get on the site.

Potato and Rice Dogsit

Potato's parents have a nice 11 year old dog, who's half-chocolate Lab and half-Shar Pei. He looks like a lab, but has some loose skin around the jowls and a spotted tongue. He's a very friendly and playful dog.

When Potato and Rice visit Potato's parents, the dog knows who give him the most attention upon visiting, Rice. Rice loves the dog, as she had never owned a dog in the past. The dog spends most of the time on his back, enjoying all the tummy rubs Rice gives him.

One time visiting, the dog had a small scratch on his nose and some minor damage to his tail. Potato's parents were on a four day trip to the East Coast, and placed the dog in a kennel.
Potato and Rice offered to dog sit next time they were going to be out of town.

So, recently, Potato's parents went away on a 10 day trip to the Motherland of the Potato, Ireland. Potato and Rice picked up the dog and wished Potato's parents a good trip.

Now, having a dog in the house is something new. Rice owns two cats, so the cats needed to be placed in their own room. The cats immediately knew something was up as there was a large brown sniffing machine outside their door. They sought higher ground and pretty much stayed there for 10 days.

Rice had ordered some items online and was expecting delivery. It is customary for our letter carrier to knock on the door when packages were left on the doorstep. Rice and the dog were hanging out one afternoon and there was a knock at the door. Rice thought "Ah, my packages" and went to open the door to retrieve them. The dog followed Rice to the door, as he does around the house. When she opened the door, the dog immediately started barking. There were no packages at the door, but two Mormons on their mission. Apparently, one fellow was scared of the dog, as he didn't say anything the whole time this conversation took place :

Dog : bark bark bark! (probably thinking "Hey! You're not Rice's packages!")

Mormon : Hello! I'm Elder so and so and this is Elder so and so.

Rice : Hello there!

Mormon : Well, we were walking through your neighborhood today ...

Dog : bark bark! Grrr! ("You're scaring away the deliveryman!")

Now Rice is non-religious, though knows the basics of pretty much all the world's religions. Potato's family is Catholic.

Rice : Ah, I see you're carrying a Book of Mormon, the revelations to Joseph Smith?

Mormon : I see you're familiar with it.

Dog : Grrr! bark bark! ("Didn't you hear me the first time?")

Rice : Well, not really, I know the basics.

Mormon : It's never to late to learn more about it, you know we could ...

At this point, Rice slightly loosens her grip on the dog's collar, causing him to jump slightly
and show off his teeth a little.

Dog : GRRRRR! bark! ("OK! I mean business!")

Rice : That would be interesting, but I don't think the dog would like it. He is a Catholic dog after all...

Mormon : Oh well, we should leave then.

Rice : Thanks for coming by.

Rice (to dog) : That's a good boy! (rubs dog's tummy)

Dog : (happy dog sounds)

Rice now has a greater appreciation of just how intelligent dogs are. Who would have known that dogs can tell the difference between deliverymen and not?

Potato's Birthday Dinner

One of the things that Rice had to learn about Potato's family is that birthdays are a pretty big deal. Well, a big deal from Rice's perspective. The entire Potato patch celebrates birthdays together. Usually, the family gathers for dinner out a restaurant, and then retire to Potato's parents house for cake and presents. And, yes, we all do sing "Happy Birthday".

Anyway, one of the popular choices for dinner (especially when it is Potato's birthday) is a local Japanese Teppanyaki place, you know, where they cook in front of you. The restaurant is pretty crowded, as they give the birthday boy or girl a free dinner. So, it's likely that if you go, you'll be sitting at a table with people celebrating a birthday. Luckily, the Potato patch takes up a whole table.

Indeed, on Potato's birthday, we venture out to the local Japanese Teppanyaki place. (as a side note, we have been going there for Potato's birthday as long as we've been together) We get our table, and our orders are taken. Having been exposed to many of Potato's kind before, Rice was not surprised when most of the Potato patch orders fried rice with their dinner. That is, all except for Potato's dad (Potato Sr.) and Potato himself. Rice would like to take credit for Potato not ordering fried rice, but she can't. It's a Potato thing.

Rice (to Potato Sr.) : I see you ordered plain white rice.

Potato Sr. : Yeah, I like it.

Rice : That's good to know...Four thousand years of culture prevents me from ordering fried rice.

So our cook comes out, introduces himself, goes over everyone's order. He starts his show, juggling his utensils, banging out some sort of rhythm with the salt shaker and spatula, etc. He did however, make a small volcano out of onion slices, filling it with alcohol and then setting it ablaze. It was pretty cool...really.

Eight bowls of rice as brought out, and the cook checks his list. He looks around the table and confirms each person who ordered fried rice and then proceeds to prepare the fried rice. A waitress comes over and delivers the three bowls of steamed rice to Potato, Potato Sr. and Rice.

As Rice and Potato are separating and smoothing out their chopsticks, Rice glances over at Potato Sr. He's not separating his chopsticks, nor is he reaching for a fork. Instead, he starts pouring soy sauce over his rice. At which point the following conversation takes place :

Potato Sr. (noticing Rice looking at him) : "Uh oh! I've been caught!"

Now, Rice has every right to be somewhat tweaked. This is the food of her people, being tainted with soy sauce. It's rice! It's supposed to be plain! But then again, Rice realizes, Potato Sr. is an elder, and therefore must be treated with utmost respect, and on top of that Potato Sr. has lived through a lot. He's had a couple of organ transplants, so whatever Potato Sr. wants, that's good enough for Rice.

Rice : "Oh that's ok, I've seen it before"

Potato Sr. : "You know, I just like soy sauce on rice"

So, the next year, we all go to the Japanese Teppanyaki place again for Potato's birthday. As we get our bowls of rice, Potato Sr. decides to be a little sneaky :

Potato's Mother to Potato Sr. : "What are you going there hon?"

Potato Sr. (trying to hide his rice bowl being a post) : "Nothing"

Rice, now looking over at Potato Sr.

Potato Sr. : "Uh...better look away Rice!"

Rice : "Why is that?" (Potato Sr. now reaching for soy sauce) "Oh!" (Rice cover eyes)

Potato Sr. : "All done!"

Is there any wonder where Potato gets his charm and consideration from?

Potato and Rice go to a Restaurant

So every now and then, we like to go to a restaurant. Yes yes, Rice shirks her traditional Chinese wife-ly duties and slacks. Besides, it's a way for Potato to show his appreciation of the other days of the week when Rice does cook.

Shockingly, we both like to eat Chinese food. Trouble is, where we live, there are not many "good" Chinese restaurants to choose from. For those of you out there, Panda Express is NOT "good" Chinese food. Rice once came up with this analogy : Panda Express is to Chinese food as Taco Bell is to Mexican.

Many of the Chinese restaurants in the town where we live still use MSG. Ugh! The stuff gives both Potato and Rice incredible headaches. Finally, doing some searching (like on Yelp) and asking around, we found a nice place nearby. According to the various newspaper articles in the restaurant lobby, it is a "one of a kind" building. That is, when it was built, it was built to be the restaurant it is today. It's not a Chinese Restaurant that used to be a Denny's, which was a Season's, which was a Sambo's type of thing. (Speaking of which, on Potato's list of things to do while retired is to create a photo essay of things that used to be other things, like a florist that used to be a Taco Bell, paint store that used to be a KFC, etc.)

Anyway, there are good signs right there in the restaurant lobby. There are several large aquariums, holding fish, lobsters and crabs, all in their separate tanks. There's a nice banquet hall off to the side as well.

After about a two minute wait, the hostess leads us to our seats. Now, when we first enter the dining area, we feel comfortable with our choice of restaurants, as all the patrons in the dining area are Chinese. This, as we all know, is a sign of a good restaurant.

Potato : Well, this is a good sign.

Rice : Indeed, I wonder if I should ask the waitress for the "real" menu.

Potato : Do you have to give her a secret handshake or something?


Now, as we get closer to our sets, we can tell that the dining area is quite large. There area is divided approximately in half, by folding screens. You know the kind, painted black lacquer-y, with Chinese-y decor. The room divider could lovingly be called the "Great Wall of China". There seemed to be two seating areas, one side of the "Wall" were for people like Rice, and the other side were for people like Potato.

As we get to an area of empty tables, still on the "Chinese half", the hostess was confused and was struggling in her mind on where to seat us. So she had a wise idea to seat us in the middle. She then decides to sit us at a table right next to the partition. So, as we sit, all Potato can see are Chinese people, and all Rice can see are Caucasians. Satisfied with her solution, the hostess leaves to get us water and tea.

Then Potato has an epiphany. He notes that the table we're at seems to be the end table of a modular buffet table.

Rice : And?

Potato : Well, check out your side of the table.

Rice : Uh, it looks like it fits into another table?

Potato : And now look at my side.

Rice : It's the end?

Potato : Rounded Corners! You know for the round eye? (gestures, draws circle around his eye)

Rice : Oh! Yeah, well, we think that your people might hurt themselves on a corner...

Potato : "Should ask for some safety chop sticks, you know, sort of like a spork? Only Chinese style."

Rice : (thinking to herself) "You gotta love this man"

Potato spent the rest of the evening alternately gesturing about the rounded corner, and circling his eye with his index finger.

Oh, by the way, the food was pretty good too.

Potato scares Rice's Parents via Telephone

One fine evening, Potato and Rice were enjoying a nice dinner at Rice's house. In the middle of dinner, Rice's phone rings.

Rice: "Hello? Hel-lo? "

Potato puts down his fork (please note not a spork) in curiosity.

Rice: "Look - I can't understand you…. "

Potato to Rice : "What was that about? "

Rice : "Someone speaking a language I couldn't understand. Clearly a wrong number. "

We go back to having a pleasant dinner when the phone rings again.

Rice : "That better not be the same person or else..." (shaking fist in anger)

Rice picks up the phone: "Hello? Look, you have the WRONG number. I can't understand you. "

Then Rice hangs up the phone in disgust.

Rice to Potato: "Dang people. I hate it when people call me and can't even speak English. You can't even tell them they have the wrong number. I bet they understand though. "

Potato to Rice: "Mmmm mmm. Yeah, well I just hope they are not calling because you are a girl and it's not some freaky phone call. "

So, about 5 minutes later the phone rings again.

Rice : (muttering all sorts of words that would make any sailor blush)

This is when Potato's protective instincts kick in. Potato leaps up and darts to the phone.
Potato thinks to himself, no one is going to hassle my (then) girlfriend. I'll show them… I'll give my deep scary Potato voice and they won't call back ever.

Potato picks up the phone and in his deep, forceful voice like a drill sergeant (think R. Lee Ermey in Full Metal Jacket) gruffly says "Hello!" into the phone. There is a pause and then Potato hears a small voice in the background - "um Hello, may I speak to Rice?"

It was Rice's father.

Potato thinks quickly and readjusts his voice to the normal soft and soothing tone it normally is. "oh, hi, sorry about that… sure… here she is" and hands the phone to Rice who is fighting back laughter when she hears her dad's voice.

After the conversation with her dad ended, Rice just sort of smiled at Potato knowing that he was sort of embarrassed about what just happened. Potato just laughed with the realization that maybe Rice's parents were right… Potatoes can be scary!

Rice confuses shoe clerk

Rice has feet shaped like a duck, just without the webbing. They're pretty darn wide, making it practically impossible to find nice shoes at your typical shoe store or department. Though, Rice would say it is a blessing in disguise, for she has reason to believe she carries the "ImeldaMarcosTooManyShoes"-gene.

Anyway, thanks to the wonderful world of the Internet, Rice found a shoe store especially for people with wide feet, Leonard's Wide Shoes. The store has a very good selection of shoes for men and women. They are located in Las Vegas, NV.

As luck would have it, we visit Vegas about four times a year, usually staying at the MGM Grand. We like it because you don't have to drive the Strip in order to get back to the hotel. Plus, the MGM is home to the best steakhouse we've ever been to, CraftSteak.

Using GoogleMaps, we found that the shoe store is within walking distance of the MGM. Rice absolutely had to go, if not for anything, just to marvel at all the pretty shoes she could actually get her waterfowl inspired feet into. (as a side note, keep watching this blog for Potato's adventure down the Strip in 115 degree weather)

We enter the shoe store, and Rice starts trying on shoes. As with most guys, Potato browsed the shoes in the men's section, finally deciding that the smart move would just be to sit down and wait. Rice is being helped by a nice curteous gentlemen, probably in his mid-40's. She finally decides on a pair of nice heeled sandals, and Potato joins her at the cash register.

Rice : "Thank you so much for helping me. I really love your store."

Clerk : "You're very welcome...Um, can I ask you something?"

Rice : (guarded) "Uh, sure you can ask"

Clerk : "Well, it's more of a statement. You know, we see a lot of Orientals here in Vegas..."

Rice : (nodding politely, trying not to roll her eyes)

Potato : (thinking) "Dude, don't say it! Don't say it!"

Clerk : "...and well, you speak English real good!"

Potato : (flashing back to a scene from Pulp Fiction where Vince and Jules are cleaning out
the back of the Nova and Jules is saying "...I'm a mushroom cloud laying
MotherF*cker, motherf*cker, I'm Superfly TNT, I'm the Guns of the Navarone!)

Potato : (thinking) "Dude, I told you not to say it! You're on your own, I'm outta here"

Potato : (looks to see if the shoe store has a fallout shelter of some sort)

Rice : (thinking) "What are my options here? Do I put on my teacher hat a respond "Yes, I do speak English well, but you don't seem to have mastered basic grammar"? Do I call the guy a ignorant idiot? Do I spin some outlandish tale about my father working as a counterespionage agent in China, and him being fluent in seven different languages, including English?"

Rice : "Well, thanks sir. I was born in this country."

Clerk : "Really? That explains it."

Potato : (looks to see if the bomb has dropped or not) "Ready to go sweetheart?"

Potato's first visit to the rice paddies

So, eventually, Rice had to bring Potato to meet her parents. As, with any parental meeting, Rice was pretty nervous, but even more so because Potato was, well a Potato. Rice's parents are pretty darn traditional Chinese, though having lived in the United States for more than half their lives. Rice's parents had little contact with other potatoes, having no potatoes as friends. This is coupled with the fact that Rice's parents are notoriously critical of every one of her actions. Will they give her the disapproving "He's not Chinese" look? Or the "Are you doing this to drive us to an early grave" look?

Potato himself was pretty nervous. Of course, there's always the standard "meeting her parents" jitters. But this time it was compounded by the following conversation :

Potato : Do we need to bring anything? Side dish? Flowers?

Rice : No, my mom will cook everything. She doesn't do the flowers thing.

Potato : Oh, ok. Is there anything else you need to tell me?

Rice : Ummm...yeah, wear nice socks?

Potato : Socks?? (thinks for a moment) Ohhh! The take off shoes thing.

Rice : Yeah, pretty much.

Potato : Do they have to match? (snickers)

Now, Potato's a pretty big guy. He's 6', 200lbs. Rice's parents are not used to being so close to people that size, not to mention in their house. As Potato put it "Large white guy, running around the house with shoes on, looking for a fork" But, being the good natured guy he is, Potato made sure that when he spoke to Rice's parents, that he spoke in a gentle, quiet tone, careful not to make any sudden movements. Quite unexpectedly, Rice's mother was visibly uncomfortable. Aw, heck, she was downright scared. As Potato put it "Large white guy, running around the house with shoes on, looking for a fork" Luckily, Potato and Rice's dad are both engineers, so they had plenty to talk about.

It comes to dinner, and Rice's parents are showing where everyone should sit. Each place setting has a plate, a napkin and all but one had chopsticks. Gee, where should Potato sit? Not only did Potato (who is quite deft at using chopsticks) not get a set of chopsticks, nor did he even get a fork, but his place setting was complete with a SPORK! Yes, the same sporks you get from eating at Kentucky Fried Chicken when you get mashed potatoes and gravy. Hmmm...were Rice's parents being frugal or did they somehow know that sporks and potatoes go together? It is still a mystery yet to be solved.

Dinner items included Chinese fare, including some items that Rice had not eaten since she was a little girl. Indeed, it was a special occasion. So we're all sitting down, when Rice's mom suddenly realizes she has one more dish to bring out. She returns with a large CorningWare-like dish and makes room for it. This actually took some engineering, since the table was already full with more than eight dishes. She places the new item right in front of Potato. She opens up the cover, and lo' and behold - it was some sort of casserole! Oh, but not just any casserole! It was a broccoli and Cream of Mushroom soup casserole, right of the old Campbell's label itself. How could Potato not resist such a well prepared interpretation of his people's food?

Rice and Potato stared at each other for a moment, each of us thinking "White food for the white guy!" Potato did his best to be thankful. Rice's brother took a large helping of said casserole, to which he then exclaimed (in his, how should we say "fab-u-lous" way), "Well, mom, you don't have to make THIS again." Rice didn't even attempt to have any of the casserole. Potato leaned over to me and asked "Uh, your mom never made this before has she?"

Needless to say, Rice later assured her parents that they did not have to go out of the way to cook "Potato's food".

Rice is not vertically challenged

To start, you must know that Rice stand 5' 7", more if in heels.

Early in our relationship, we took a train ride to old town Sacramento. We took Amtrak's Capital Corridor Express. The train ride itself was very nice - from the lush green pastures of the Central Valley to the crossing of the American River. The passengers on board were mostly older couples, we saw there were no other "us" couples however. There was a gentleman who had difficulty trying to keep his two children (who appeared to be 13 and 10) under control. Perhaps it was his technique - "Shh! Be quiet! Now, think of the scariest roller coaster you've been on" "Stop spinning that quarter on the table! Let me show you how to do it! " We still don't know.

Upon arrival, we checked our bags at our hotel, the Delta King. We decided to start our visit at the Railroad museum. The trains were great. Some of the old steam engine locomotives had boiler rooms larger than our bedroom. Anyway, the museum is full of retired people, all train buffs, acting as docents. One kind, elderly gentleman gave us the grand tour of a 40's dining car, and its adjacent sleeping car.

After the tour was over this is how the conversation went :

Docent (to Rice) - "Um, excuse me, but what are you?"

Rice - "I'm not sure what you mean, sir."

Docent - "Oh, well, we get lots of Asians coming through here...."

Rice - "Oh, I see...My parents are from Taiwan, so you could say I'm Chinese."

Docent - "Really? Wow...you're pretty tall for your people."

Rice - "Uh, yeah thanks."

Potato - (actively trying to decide whether or not to break out in laughter or
protect the docent from a possible smack down by Rice)

Docent - "I wonder why you're so much taller than the rest of your kind."

Rice - "Uh, it must be all those good ol' American vitamins I took as a child."

Docent - "Really? That does make quite a difference"

Potato - (now, deciding to stifle laughter)

Rice - "I guess so. Thank you for the tour."


We both thought the whole situation was quite humorous.

An Introduction

Potato and I have noticed more and more couples like us everywhere we go. It's almost like a trend gone wild, nearing epic proportions. We decided to give those new "us" couples the benefit of our experience.

After all, you are GOING to get looks. People WILL look at you differently. Your families will be CONFUSED.

Most importantly, if you don't find yourself laughing at our experiences (we know we do), then you can always find yourself another blog.